The Dumb Laowai

I know that I haven’t posted in a very long time, but the things that used to make me go on for pages and pages no longer surprise me, much less seem worthy of comment.  I continue to assimilate.  However, some things still activate my urge to share.

The entire concept of “face” can be a royal pain in the ass.  To avoid giving offense, people generally avoid saying what they really mean.  An almost instinctive fear of causing someone embarrassment means that no one, not even an entire classroom full of adult students, would ever consider telling you that your fly is down.  It was a 2 ½ hour class, by the way.

People teach for a wide variety of reasons. As for me, it’s that wide-eyed, goofy, open-mouthed look of excitement when a student finally understands a tough concept. It’s priceless, usually.

Not having had children of my own, I had forgotten the pure joy of a child who has just learned a dirty word. I recently discovered that this elation is not limited to children.

While I was packing up after class, my most earnest student, a 40 year old executive, lingered to apologize for missing a few classes due to his work schedule. I off-handedly replied that work can sometimes be a four letter word. Oops! He was not about to let me out of there without explaining this new idiom.

“Well, you see, many bad words have four letters…”

“Bad words?”

“Words you shouldn’t say in polite company,”

“Whaaaa?”

“like your boss, customers, etc.”

“What words?”

Oh Crap!!

“The kind of words that I can’t say in class.”

“I don’t understand.”

I looked around to make sure that we were alone as we walked out of the classroom. “Well, like ‘shit’”, I said quietly. “It has four letters.” The wide-eyed, goofy smile appeared out of nowhere, and, as we walked down the large, marble floored echo chamber that serves as a hallway, he proceeded to confirm his new understanding with enthusiastic shouts.

“Oh! SHIT! DAMN!”

“OK, you’ve got the idea.”

“HELL!”

“Exactly! These are the words that we don’t say.”

“FUCK!”

Cringe.

He got on the elevator, still swearing up a storm, but at least he still had the stupid smile and the Buckwheat eyes.

It’s why I teach.

I’ve always loved thunder; I find it comforting in a way that I can’t understand, much less explain. Just not with my snow, thank you very much!

Coming out of the bar a little later than intended or realized, I was a little shocked to find myself in a minor blizzard.  Already balance deficient, I’m afraid I wasn’t up to the challenge, and the tuccus took a bit of a beating. Once I was snuggly settled in at home, it was a beautiful thing to watch, though. Until I realized that thunder in a snowstorm is not at all comforting,  more apocalyptic than relaxing.

The sudden realization that the thunder was actually government artillery, blasting snow-inducing chemicals into the sky came as a relief, momentarily.  I believe I like my weather the old-fashioned way: natural. I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I now live in a Chinese snow globe that gets shaken whenever someone gets bored.

I think I prefer the idea of snow thunder, actually.

China has often been described as a land of extremes: rich vs poor, modern vs ancient, etc. Today provided me with a microcosm of the extremes in justice, fine vs death.

As I walked through Wudaokou, I came face to face with two policemen. I noticed several things simultaneously: no one else was within 30 yards of us, they both looked like sumo wrestlers in training, they were both wearing riot gear, and one was carrying a citation book while the other had a pistol-grip, pump shotgun.

Don’t you just love the holidays?

We sufferers are finally getting some help! With this little nugget, I felt I needed to repost a recent article on the topic.

Beijing Youth Daily: “Diarrhea Forecasts” to be added to city weather reports (article in Chinese)
Yes – you read that correctly. The Beijing Youth Daily reports “the CDC, in cooperation with Haidian District, will issue warnings of infectious diarrhea in accordance with weather forecasts. Research shows that “la duzi” season peaks between July 23 to August 26 – high time for “sauna days” – until it gradually trails off in early November. Researchers will measure vapor pressure, temperature, humidity, wind and other meteorological factors to indicate “infectious diarrhea days on a scale of 1 to 5, with 5 being the indicator of days when the public is most at risk.
In related news, the number of “high temperature days” (in which the maximum temperature was 35ºC or higher) will exceed 15 days by the end of the season – a new 40-year record.

Source: thebeijinger.com

From earlier this year:

“Hi. I’m D.L. and I shit myself.” “Hi D.L.!”

I’ve heard of a lot of support groups but I had never before even imagined that one such as this might be a realistic undertaking. There are some things we simply do not talk about, ever. Even living in China, where the more realistic question would not be “Have you ever?”, but rather “How many times have you?”, it’s simply not discussed. Until now.

I was recently emboldened by an overheard bar conversation in which one man was discussing in detail some of his more stressful experiences in China, all of which seemed to require immediate laundry services. He was telling my story, practically verbatim. I always knew that I couldn’t be the only one, but I was just too shy to seek out confirmation.

Bolstered by this newfound feeling of brotherhood, or at least mutual suffering, I’ve begun discreet enquiries. The results have been enlightening. Of course, the universal initial response is one of distaste but after volunteering a story, I’m rewarded with an unbelievable look of relief when they find out that they do not suffer alone. Soiling yourself is just another form of misery; it enjoys company.

Granted, this group will probably never become too proactive. No 12 Step program here because it can’t be helped. There will never be T-shirts or buttons, much less a parade. Come to think of it, it’s probably just as well; given our affliction a parade really isn’t all that practical. We’re just out to relieve the embarrassment of fellow foreigners.

Do your part today. Tell a fellow foreigner about that time on the train. You won’t believe how happy it makes them!

Like most Americans, I never really paid attention to the BBC.  Since coming to China though, it has become one of my main sources of information. Are their standards slipping or have they always been a little shoddy? I would think that, in these difficult economic times, there must be a few writers available who could put together clearer sentences.

Reading a report on the effects of a typhoon which hit Taiwan, I discovered that:

“Rescue efforts have been complicated as many of the roads leading to Shiao Lin have been washed away and the unstable ground makes it difficult for rescue helicopters to reach the area.”

Maybe someone should be sent back to flight school.  Journalism school isn’t a bad idea either.

Not having my contract renewed at XXX University may have been one of the best things that ever happened to me.  Whereas I used to teach spoiled morons who actually wrote that not attending class and not doing homework were the best features of college life, I now teach executive level adults who can’t wait for class.  And whereas XXX University never did come through with a Z visa, my new employer put one in my hands in less than six weeks, without me leaving Beijing!

Of course, several weeks ago, the government was still requiring a trip back home to convert an F to a Z, but after going through my health exam, I made a phone call to my boss.

“China’s really worried about this flu, huh?”
“Oh yes! We think it very importantly!”
“And now, the government knows that I do not have it, right?”
“Yes! Yes! You health good!”
“And now the government is forcing me to go back to the US in order to change my visa?”
“Ummmm…I call you back.”

The next day, the visa policies had been changed, once again.  Of course, everyone involved in the process has warned me that this is probably a very small window of opportunity. Regulations are expected to be tightened once again before the National Day anniversary.