The Dumb Laowai

I appreciate you returning to my blog after suffering through my rants last week. Some study adjustments and additional materials I found have made it a little easier to keep up the pace. I just have to figure out how to deal with our listening teacher, so it’s only twice a week that I get so irritated now.

I’ve developed a conspiracy theory regarding our class. We have been segregated from the dozen or so other beginner classes. We are in an older building, amidst classes at a second year level and classes learning English, so it’s not easy to compare notes with similar students. In 14 days, we’ve completed 15 lessons in one book and 11 in another. I’ve found that other classes have generally completed 7 and 5, respectively. I’ve come to believe that we’re being used as a guinea pig class to test some new teaching theories on either accelerated learning or burnout rates. Something strange is going on here.

The upside of this pressure has been the rapid bonding of the class. It’s almost like boot camp, where recruits use a common enemy (the drill sergeant) to help them pull together. It’s been pretty interesting. With one exception, other college courses I’ve taken provided no real personal links and everyone scattered after class, not seeing one another until the next session. Here, we share three breaks per day, complaining about class and making outside plans. Most of us are going together on a school tour of the Great Wall this weekend. I know I said I didn’t want to do a tour, but this should be fun, regardless of how much we understand.

The unexpected result of this closeness has been my becoming the informal English instructor for the rest of the class. Only a few of them speak decent English and it is the only language we can all communicate in, so they want to improve. However, it’s not the standard, boring lessons that I’m asked to give. Today I tried to explain the meaningless phrase “What’s up?” A couple of students had no idea how to respond to this. Yesterday I had to help a Palestinian friend select the right words to say to a Russian girl he likes. I also spent fifteen minutes explaining many of the proper uses for the word “fuck” and, especially, the times when it should not be used. I like to think that I’m doing my part to bring us all a little closer together.

There are even a few benefits to our accelerated pace. I had just learned the words for dorm room and return when I mistakenly left my wallet in my room and went out to dinner. Being a regular bought me a little leeway, but without being able to explain where my money was and that I would return with it, I don’t think I would have gotten out of there without a police escort.

The fantastic news is that after four weeks of the grind, we are off from school the week of October 1^st to celebrate the Autumn Festival (this may be a loose translation; it was the result of a bar-room poll.) This is an important time for people to be with their families and I’m told that it can seem as if the entire country is traveling. I wanted to do some sightseeing without fighting the crowds, so several of us signed up for a weeklong, school sponsored trip. My blog post will be late that week, but don’t worry; I’m not in jail, I’m in Mongolia. Sounds like a punch line, doesn’t it? Substitute Alabama and you may have something there.

How many people can say they’ve been to Mongolia? I couldn’t miss the opportunity, especially since all expenses are included in the US$231 fee. And, to tell the truth, I’m sort of curious about what passes for a three star hotel in Mongolia. I guess we’ll be sleeping in yurts some of the time as well, although I would be just as glad to simply look at a few. Realism can be over-rated.

OLYMPIC FOLLIES

Last week I promised to share everything about the Olympic buildup. Unfortunately, my studies are beginning to limit how much I can write. New Olympic items pop up daily, so perhaps I’ll put together a more complete picture over the January break. For now, here are a few tidbits.

Although it remains to be seen how many goals go unmet, the athletes should be pampered in at least a few ways. The government is shooting for 100,000 bi-lingual volunteers and started signups in early September. At the World Jr. Championships in August, each athlete was assigned a personal volunteer to follow him/her all day and pick up their clothing and belongings, carrying everything in a personalized basket. I’m not sure how far the valet service extends.

The most unlikely goal to be met: all taxi drivers to speak English by the start of the Olympics. I’ve used over 100 legitimate taxi drivers and not one could say more than OK or bye-bye, most not even that much. Even the Black Taxi driver I used could only name Michael Jackson, missiles and aircraft carriers. That’s not going to be very useful.

This Olympics may be more overwhelmed by souvenirs than any event in history. There are already specialized shops selling every kind of trinket imaginable, and I’m sure they’ll imagine even more. Think about it: all of the stuff is made here anyway. There have already been crackdowns on fake mascot dolls. They were selling for $1.25 vs. the expected “real” price of US$9-10.

Speaking of mascots, get out your Whatizzit memorabilia. The 2008 mascots make Izzy look like a stroke of genius. (For those outside Atlanta, Whatizzit was the much maligned, identity challenged mascot of the ’96 Olympics. For Atlantans, I’m sorry for rehashing bad memories.) In Beijing you will be bombarded with five small mascots that are so disgustingly over-cute that even little girls may reject them. It’s as if the Teletubbies mated with Hello Kitty to produce four of them. I think the panda was adopted. To make matters worse, for the first time that I recall, the Olympic mascots will be equipped with gag-inducing, cute, little voices as well.

On August 8^th, the government announced a program to study air pollution in Beijing until December, 2007 and then make recommendations on improvements to be made for the Olympics. Eight months to fix the problem? They’re already moving the heavy polluting industries out of the area, but count on these being the “Smog Games.” The U.S. might want to look at moving the Olympic Training Center from Colorado to Los Angeles.

At the Women’s World Softball Championship in August, officials announced that it would be a good trial run for Olympic press accommodations. Reporters (how many could there have been?) were provided with a phone line, internet accommodation and two meals per day. This could get real ugly. My internet access is out for at least two days each week.

Tourists will be pointed to large areas of traditional Chinese hutongs, closely situated, courtyard homes of ancient design. The design may be ancient, but thousands of them will only be one or two years old. All of the flavor may be gone, replaced by cookie cutter blandness. Entire neighborhoods have been razed for these projects.

Many of the Olympic venues will be breath-taking, including the Olympic Stadium, nicknamed The Bird’s Nest for its artistic steel structure, and the aquatics center, with its unusual liquid appearance.

Almost everything I’ve mentioned is negative. I wish it weren’t so, but as a newcomer, it’s much easier to see glitches than perfection. You can watch three hours of a flawless operation, but what you will remember most is the one time the doctor said “Ooops!” It may not have been important at all; he may simply have stepped on a nurses toes. But that is what you’ll remember.

This is a country with vast experience in large scale organization. China believes it has, perhaps, a great deal more to prove than other hosts by staging a memorable Olympics. It’s had and continues to have its commercial successes, but this is China’s public debut, it’s unveiling to the world. For thousands of years, the Chinese have believed themselves to be the center of the world, superior to all else. They can not allow themselves to fail this challenge. The buildup process may be unorthodox and sometimes short-sighted, but it will be successful. Overall, I expect the presentation of the games to be exciting, stunning and exotic. I can’t wait!

** I had to post this from a bar with WiFi, as my access has been down for four days. As I left the bar I found a taxi driver that was listening to a tape of English phrases. His pronunciation was great and we had a good time comparing our limited knowledge. At least there’s one driver who’ll be ready for the Olympics, well ahead of time. If I run across him again, I’ll get his number for anyone who will be here. He’ll be worth booking.