The Dumb Laowai

All of the latest observations, predictions, kvetches and assorted oddities from the The City The Sun Forgot, otherwise known as Beijing.

We may be treated to the first sporting event where visibility is limited by smog, within the stadium! Hard to believe that officials are having such a hard time meeting their long-stated goals in this regard.

Excerpt from an August 2006 blog post of mine:
“On August 8th, the government announced a program to study air pollution in Beijing until December, 2007 and then make recommendations on improvements to be made for the Olympics. Eight months to fix the problem? They’re already moving the heavy polluting industries out of the area, but count on these being the “Smog Games.” The U.S. might want to look at moving the Olympic Training Center from Colorado to Los Angeles.”

Let me see, 17 months to study the problem and 7 months to fix it. I just can’t imagine what the problem is!

The mad rush for tickets means that I am limited to one, measly event. I’d like to buy a few more but, even though tickets were released just last month and are fairly elaborate in quality, there are already counterfeits on the street. I think I’ll take a pass on that idea and stay home to watch it on TV. At least any body search there will be of the pleasant variety.

Come to think of it, I don’t get the American network and the Chinese network will be a little biased for my taste, not to mention their heavy attention to ping-pong and badminton. I’m stuck with my Phillipines satellite broadcast, which I just discovered was illegal. Not the signal, but even owning a dish! The most security paranoid, I mean conscious, games in history and I’m sporting a illegal dish that looks directly down onto one of the major Olympic thoroughfares. Why do I get a bad feeling about this?

I’ve decided to risk it. I just can’t wait for what is sure to be riveting coverage. After all, this is the network which told me to “Watch as the Rockets and the Nets attempt to continue their mastery of each other” and tried to entice me into watching a game by giving me the score! “The NFL kicked off the 2007 season…when the Indianapolis Colts defeated the New Orleans Saints, 41-10, at the RCA Dome. ‘In Stereo.’” I’m sure the gems will be non-stop, with breaks taken only for previously scheduled cock fights.

While I and every other westerner with access to the internet is mentioning various oddities and lack of preparation did you realize that, ten days prior to the opening ceremony, a factory was working overtime to finish the US Olympic Team’s uniforms? In Dalian, CHINA!?

Is burning a FUWA (mascot) a legitimate form of protest? Not against the games or against China, but against the FUWAs, themselves.

With such an opportunity to introduce Chinese products to the world, don’t you find it a little strange that the official vehicles are Audis? I wonder who’s getting a great deal on slightly used, status symbols afterwards?

Just A Few Predictions

At least four terrorist plots will be foiled be the government, with only their word to go on.
Any actual disturbance of the games will be found to be non-terrorist-related.

At least three different people, none of whom could find Tibet on a map, will foolishly attempt to stage a public protest within a sporting venue. These will not be seen on TV and hundreds of video cameras will be inspected and/or seized.

At least two events will be postponed due to air quality. Chinese officials will protest, saying it’s not really that bad.

At least four persons of African descent will be beaten by police.

At least one Chinese mob will go amok after an unexpected loss.

If America finishes highest in the medal count, at least ten of us will be beaten by small groups.

The guy on Wangfujing who sells scorpions and seahorses on a stick will go blind from constant exposure to television camera lights. (A word to the wise: no one here eats that stuff except tourists, but it makes a great story the first hundred or so times.)

Internet service throughout Beijing will crash at least once, and possibly for several days.


Maybe I’m just cranky because I’m hot, sweaty and can’t breathe. Let’s hope none of these actually happen, but don’t hold your breath, especially if you’re in Beijing.

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PS I'm sorry I deleted someone's comments to a recent post. I'm not used to working without a mouse and accidentally hit delete while checking out my computer at the repair shop.

***PRESS RELEASE***

From: *****Withheld for security reasons**** (hereafter referred to as ???.)

In order to conform to the socialist vision of the Olympic spirit, as defined by the most recent Gathering of Big Wigs, fun has been declared to be counter-productive in meeting the goals set forth by said, omnipotent organ of the state.

Being honored with permission to visit our glorious worker’s paradise also requires that you contribute to the advancement of responsible, harmonious society by pretending not to be an individual. Your duties will include:

Not to blatantly cheer for any particular team. It has been determined that indicating support for the performance of any one individual or group of individuals is disrespectful to the other participants.

Not to publicly consume alcohol. Affirming the wisdom of the party (no pun intended), you will be assisted in the performance of this duty by the total lack of opportunities for outdoor consumption. This is a new and temporary campaign, designed strictly for your benefit!

Not to mention ?????, ??????, ????? ?????? or any other topic likely to hurt the feelings of the entire (without exception) Chinese population. Since we are discouraged from mentioning these topics ourselves, rather than guess, it is advised that you simply avoid saying anything while you are our guest.

Not to encourage or support wildly anti-social activities, such as the live performance of music. (Actually, this is also temporary. We just don’t have enough morality/political monitors to go around these days.)

Please keep in mind that these are just a few of the conditions under which we will tolerate your presence in Eden, otherwise know as the PRC. You will be notified of any other regulations after paying the appropriate fine, while being escorted to the airport.

Further announcements on regulations may be forwarded to you, provided that this office has not violated one itself, in which case you may never hear from me again.        

If you take a look at many blogs based in Beijing, you’ll notice that the vast majority of writers writing about the Olympics are growing less enthused by the day. It has become an overload for the senses, especially logic.

From the thought of Segway-mounted SWAT teams chasing down terrorists (who are hopefully in wheelchairs) to the idea of hacking up a lung on a “blue-sky day”, it all leads to a sense of living in the Bizarro World of logic.  

It doesn’t take long, wandering around Beijing, to realize that a sizeable portion of the local population has had their fill of it as well. Maybe you’re trying to figure out how to get to work on the alternate days you won’t be allowed to drive your car. New subway lines are nice, but they won’t do much to help with the overcrowding of existing ones. They just don’t go to the same place now, do they?

Then again, maybe you don’t have that problem because you work at one of the hundreds of companies that will be closed. Maybe you just spent three months redecorating your restaurant, only to be told that you would need to close it until late September. Maybe some of your key employees are taking a few months off because they can’t get their business visas renewed.  Maybe you counted on all of those extra tourists to justify the investments you’ve made and now realize that there will be the same number of them as last year.  

I remember hearing all about “China’s Coming Out Party” and “Introducing China to the World.” It turns out that most of the invitations were canceled and the introduction resembles a video-dating service. It has been decided that it’s really much better for you to learn about China while watching your television than to actually be here. You’re much more likely to get a warm, fuzzy feeling about it all.

Bring up the Olympic Games with any taxi driver and you’re likely to be answered with a grin/sneer and a rolling of the eyes.  Maybe he’s finally realized that he’s made years of sacrifice and still can’t see where the payoff is.  Then again, maybe he's just tired of talking about it all.  I know that I am.

PS I really want to put a countdown clock for the end of the Olympics on my website (www.dumblaowai.com) but I can't find a good one that works on my server (it just might be me!) Any thoughts?

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PS Following comment re-posted after a mistaken deletion. Unfortunately, since I can't even see this blog in China, I couldn't post it as a comment.

Comment text: Interesting observations...it makes me wonder what media outlets will talk about after the Olympics are over. Probably still the Olympics.

We actually left the country for the Olympics just because we didn't want to be there while it was happening. I'll be glad when they've finally "come out".   

If, at any point in this post I do not make sense, I apologize. I have just returned from my favorite, local hangout, which just happens to serve beer, whiskey and a wicked pizza. What better place to hear the latest gossip?

I'm such a regular that I consider the owners to be my friends and the feeling is reciprocated. They tell me that they have received notice that all jiu-ba s (bars) should prepare to close their doors during the Olympics, including even those in the famous Sanlitun district.

This is a flash post, not researched (not that research is my strong suit anyway), and I'm hoping that someone with a little more knowledge can provide some insight into what would be, perhaps, the most ridiculous, Olympics-related policy- du-joir to date.

Is the idea to make all foreigners think that we don't drink in China?  I'm at a loss. My friend says that the idea is to drive all "guests" to local restaraunts, where they will, hopefully, spend more money. 

Tomorrow - thoughts on other Olympics-related issues, as soon as I sober up.

Seeing as how I was going to be stuck in Beijing over the 4th of July and no organized gathering held any interest for me, I decided that it would be very American of me to help people with their English. That makes it sound a little too noble. Someone offered me a job and I grabbed it!

Unless your job is the reason you came to China, chances are that, sooner or later, you will end up teaching English at some point. Some go on to make a career of it, but most are just looking for some work to fill the gaps and pay the bills.

The qualifications and the hiring rationale are somewhat odd. It’s common to hear about those of African or Asian descent unable to get this type of work because Chinese students want to learn from a white-skinned teacher. Language abilities have nothing to do with it. A black man born in England and molding a master’s degree from Cambridge is quite likely to lose out to a Lithuanian whose English is unintelligible. I just picture Chinese students running around speaking English with a strong Greek accent and I cringe.

At one point I realized that translation jobs and acting gigs were not going to leave me in the black very often, so I agreed to fill in when a company had need of someone to teach business English. What I got was a very confusing message asking me to “teach a class for drama coach.”  It sounded too strange to pass up. Besides, I had nothing else going on that day.

I showed up at a hotel and was led by my “teaching assistant”, a full-time employee of the company who had hired me, to a large ball-room with a stage. I asked how many drama coaches there would be and what would I be teaching them? “Oh, no! You are the drama coach!” Oh, crap! Here we go again! “Here, please review the script before they come in.”

As it turns out, both of my “assistants” had been working for some time with a group of waiters and waitresses. I was there for the final polishing and to add some flare to a skit about soccer fans that they would perform in an English competition for hotel employees. Great; I had two jobs and I didn’t know anything about either of them! And even less about soccer.

I spent a few minutes with the script, making a number of necessary changes. Phrases such as “Our team has reversed the difficult conditions before” and “We still have time to equalize” screamed out for help. There were a lot of small changes as well, and I began to worry that I  would make my assistants look bad. By the time I got to the word “reckon” I sighed and left it be, even though I seriously doubt that the word has ever been used while watching a soccer match. Someone had obviously had a teacher from Alabama.

I went through the changes with everyone and had them read through it a couple times to work on pronunciation. I was getting the hang of this. Hell, it wasn’t difficult at all. Then they got on stage.

The two girls could not bring themselves to speak in anything but a whisper. One guy suddenly developed stage fright and couldn’t say anything without stammering. Another guy turned into the world’s biggest ham and started winging it. I was checking my watch every five minutes and it seemed as if I always had another hour to go. We stopped dozens of times so that I could work on pronunciation. They always got it perfect, at least until they started acting again; then it was right back to square one. I’m not really sure how I kept from crying.  

At one point, the ham and his wife were to jump out of their seats to celebrate a goal by dancing and singing. Since they had not yet learned any songs, he improvised by loudly humming “The Battle Hymn Of The Republic”, yet another first for a soccer game. I was too stunned to say anything.

Our time came to an end, or at least mine did, and I accepted my now meager-looking pay as I ran for the door, almost making a clean escape.  “Laoshi,” (teacher) “can we change ‘reckon’ to ‘think’? I can’t say reckon.” Yes! Thank you!

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Make sure to check out http://www.dumblaowai.com 

Although it’s been inconvenient at times, I’ve always supported the idea of the Beijing Olympics, until today. Today they really hit me where it hurts. I’ll have to fight with every so-called waitress in town after today.

Today was unbelievably uneventful. Granted, I did spend 90 minutes at the bank, waiting to buy electricity credits, only to be told that I could not do so because I still had too many (about 2 days worth.) Please come back tomorrow! Other than  that, everything was fine until I got home and turned on the television.

I rarely watch Chinese television, mainly because after three minutes I usually want to shoot myself. Unfortunately my girlfriend, LD’s, late-night viewing habits mean that the television is always set to a Chinese channel when I turn it on the next day, rather than the pirate satellite service I bought.. Today I was exposed to BTV1 (Beijing TV 1) for a moment. That was all it took to ruin my day.

One of the pre-Olympic government promises no-longer politically correct to mention was that all taxi drivers would be able to speak English by now. Short of “Michael Jackson”, :Michael Jordan”, “Bye-bye” and “OK le”, the results have fallen a little bit short of initial projections. BTV has decided to help out at the last moment by broadcasting helpful, everyday phrases in 30 second, public service announcements. Sounds like a good idea, right?

“ During the Olympics, we should be aware of foreigner’s customs.” (roughly translated) It then went on to explain how to pronounce “tip” and “service charge” (automatic tip), two previously unheard of concepts. However, they did not bother to explain the logic behind either. So now the average viewer expects you to tip them after a meal or a drink but has no idea that this could or should depend on the level of service provided. Actually, this is why the word tip is unknown to the average Chinese service person; they have never provided service that would justify a tip! If tips were based on a truly sliding scale, based on service level, most westerners would start deducting from the bill!

I’m not kvetching about service; I’ve gotten accustomed to the lack of it. However, I’m also accustomed to not tipping. I think that they go hand-in-hand. BTV doesn’t seem to agree.

I understand beautifying the city in preparation for the all-important Olympic Games, but isn’t lining XueYuan Lu with potted palms going just a bit far?

The street I live on, a scant 3 miles or so west of Olympic Village was inundated today with hundreds of palm trees. Every fifty feet or so stood 8-10 potted palms, all uniformly 6-7 feet tall. As I passed in a taxi, I saw several trucks dropping off more. I’m guessing that other crews will later spread them out for a magnificent, if ridiculous display. By the time they’re done, Beijing may have more palm trees than Miami!

I know this is a break from my usual pattern of posting but, right now, weird things are happening just too fast to wait. I just may become one of those daily bloggers, at least for a while. Check back often for more weirdness! 

I've previously tried to explain the concept of laowainess, but the longer I live in China, the worser my English gets. Just in case you're still unclear and, for some strange reason, a little curious, feel free to take the following test.

(With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)

If you look before crossing the street, you might be a laowai.
If you carry tissue for any purpose other than to use as toilet paper…
If you look for the back of the line…
If you think there should be a line…
If you wave at a waitress instead of yelling at the top of your lungs…
If you don’t interrogate the waitress for fifteen minutes before ordering…
If you have ever thanked a waitress…
If you spit inedible items into a napkin instead of onto the table…
If you blow your nose in public…
If you hold the door for a stranger…
If you hold the elevator for someone…
If you don’t insist on controlling the elevator buttons…
If you wait for the elevator door to close on it’s own, without mashing the "close door" button…
If you think that mashing the "open door" button three floors ahead of time will make it open faster...
If you wait for people to get off the elevator before trying to get on…
If you wait for people to get off the subway car before trying to get on...
If you let an old lady sit on the subway when you could have beaten her to it…
If you pick up after your dog…
If your small child does not wear split-bottom pants…
If you don’t think large hunks of fat are just another type of meat…
If you drink anything but soup at breakfast…
If you don’t think Growing Pains is the greatest television show ever…
If you’ve ever tried to get a tan…
If you like cheese that’s not on a pizza…
If you balk at corn on your pizza…
If you think footprints on your toilet seat are strange…
If you think your eggs and your bacon should arrive at the same time…
If you order eggs and bacon…
If you step in a puddle…
If you think a contract is binding…
If you’ve ever had a job without a contract…
If you’re over 30 and never been married…
If you’re a man and have ever done laundry or washed dishes…
If you’ve never taken your pet bird out for a walk…
If you’ve ever neglected to make a “V” sign while being photographed…
If you’ve ever taken a photograph without you or your friends in it…
If you think Karaoke places are for singing…
If you don’t believe foot massage to be an effective treatment for either an earache nor kidney stones…
If you believe that pastry should have sugar in it…
If you insist on either cold water or cold beer…
If you’ve never used a shower head to fill a bucket from which to wash yourself…
If you think fine dining is a nice, quiet restaurant…
If you think a bicycle should give way to a bus…
If you think fireworks are for a one hour display, put on by someone else…
If you think 1 yuan ($.14 and rising) isn’t worth arguing over…
If you think software is something you pay for…
If you’ve never stored produce in the hallway…
If you've ever taken the plastic, protective wrapper off of something…
If you think Mickey Mouse is for kids…
If you think people should understand the meaning of a holiday they've just sent you a greeting for…
If you’ve ever had the same cell phone for over a year...
If you think white socks with a business suit is strange…
If you believe that some parts of an animal should not be eaten…

You Too Might Be A Laowai!

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Now that that question has been addressed, I have one more for my more technologically advanced friends.

I recently registered the domain dumblaowai.com , in hopes of providing more content for your amusement. OK! Maybe for my future enrichment as well, if I can ever figure out why someone would want to give me money!

My problem is that I started out with a small, apparently techno-challenged host and the site has been giving me, as well as hundreds of others, fits for about a week. Any suggestions for finding a host suitable for a dumblaowai?