Tuesday, July 28, 2009

F to Z Without Leaving Beijing

Not having my contract renewed at XXX University may have been one of the best things that ever happened to me.  Whereas I used to teach spoiled morons who actually wrote that not attending class and not doing homework were the best features of college life, I now teach executive level adults who can’t wait for class.  And whereas XXX University never did come through with a Z visa, my new employer put one in my hands in less than six weeks, without me leaving Beijing!

Of course, several weeks ago, the government was still requiring a trip back home to convert an F to a Z, but after going through my health exam, I made a phone call to my boss.

“China’s really worried about this flu, huh?”
“Oh yes! We think it very importantly!”
“And now, the government knows that I do not have it, right?”
“Yes! Yes! You health good!”
“And now the government is forcing me to go back to the US in order to change my visa?”
“Ummmm…I call you back.”

The next day, the visa policies had been changed, once again.  Of course, everyone involved in the process has warned me that this is probably a very small window of opportunity. Regulations are expected to be tightened once again before the National Day anniversary.

Posted by Dumb Laowai at 01:06:37 | Permalink | Comments (8)

Monday, July 6, 2009

Advice From The Dumb

When it really comes down to it, who do you want to take advice from, a pontificating pseudo-intellectual like Dr. Phil or someone who actually admits to having made mistakes and has learned from them, quite often the first time?  I believe that the best advice comes from experience, not theory. On that basis, let me share some recently acquired bits of wisdom.

 

When engaged in a multi-party dispute, never mention calling the police. Even those who agree with your point of view will abandon you like friends on moving day.

 

Should you ever acquire a frequent customer discount card from somewhere called Stairway To Love, do not leave it laying around for your significant other to find. Just try to explain that it’s a café. Really!

 

When a woman gushes forth about how her son is the smartest child in town, do not reply by saying that all mothers feel that way.

 

If you don’t absolutely know the proper Chinese term, do not try to wing it, especially in front of a class. This is especially true if you are trying to explain the verb “to brag”, which term in Mandarin is surprisingly similar to the slang for performing fellatio.

 

When a Chinese woman gives you something disgusting to eat, just shut up and eat it. Your 20th attempt to explain your revulsion will be no more effective than any of the other 19.

 

If you want something from the supermarket, get it yourself. You would be amazed what some people will consider to be an acceptable, or even preferable, substitute. Coconut bread and tripe do not a ham sandwich make.  

 

Don’t try to correct obnoxious, drunken, 22 year old know-it-alls in bars. Let’s face it – you’re incredibly outnumbered.

 

Quit taking visa advice from other people. The rules have changed since last week anyway.

Posted by Dumb Laowai at 04:41:44 | Permalink | Comments (1) »