Advice From The Dumb
When it really comes down to it, who do you want to take advice from, a pontificating pseudo-intellectual like Dr. Phil or someone who actually admits to having made mistakes and has learned from them, quite often the first time? I believe that the best advice comes from experience, not theory. On that basis, let me share some recently acquired bits of wisdom.
When engaged in a multi-party dispute, never mention calling the police. Even those who agree with your point of view will abandon you like friends on moving day.
Should you ever acquire a frequent customer discount card from somewhere called Stairway To Love, do not leave it laying around for your significant other to find. Just try to explain that it’s a café. Really!
When a woman gushes forth about how her son is the smartest child in town, do not reply by saying that all mothers feel that way.
If you don’t absolutely know the proper Chinese term, do not try to wing it, especially in front of a class. This is especially true if you are trying to explain the verb “to brag”, which term in Mandarin is surprisingly similar to the slang for performing fellatio.
When a Chinese woman gives you something disgusting to eat, just shut up and eat it. Your 20th attempt to explain your revulsion will be no more effective than any of the other 19.
If you want something from the supermarket, get it yourself. You would be amazed what some people will consider to be an acceptable, or even preferable, substitute. Coconut bread and tripe do not a ham sandwich make.
Don’t try to correct obnoxious, drunken, 22 year old know-it-alls in bars. Let’s face it – you’re incredibly outnumbered.
Quit taking visa advice from other people. The rules have changed since last week anyway.
Good advice and funny.