The Olympics Survival Guide
If you’re an organized traveler, you’ve already done your research in preparation for coming to Beijing. But even then, you’re only going to be prepared for the big stuff and, as we all know, the devil is in the details. It’s the little stuff that gets you. That’s where I come in. Here’s just a few pointers from a guy who had to learn the hard way.
There is no shortage of guidebooks promising to make your trip to China safer and more enjoyable. Forget them. You’re coming to Beijing and you don’t need a $30 book that tells you all about everywhere else. The best combination of reference sources is a small Mandarin phrase book and, for those of you who want to explore the city, The Insider’s Guide to Beijing, available locally.
Phrase books like to show the Pinyin phrases. That is the phrase written in the western alphabet. Forget about it! Many letters are not pronounced the same and, unless you’ve spent months working on your tonal pronunciations, no one is going to understand you anyway. Make sure your phrase book has the Chinese characters for each phrase so you can show it to the person . Trust me on this. It’s easier to simply admit that you can’t speak Mandarin than to try and mangle your way through it. Otherwise you’re likely to tell someone that you’d like to kiss them when all you wanted to do was ask a question.
Now you’re out and about, exploring Beijing and probably lost. That’s when you find the coolest places, but that’s beside the point. You should have gotten a business card from the front counter of your hotel so you could show it to the taxi driver. At least then you’d know that you could get back eventually. As a matter of fact, get a business card everywhere you go. Just don’t forget to write down what place the card is from, otherwise they all start to look the same. You probably don’t want to take the wife out to dinner and end up at that massage parlor you and the guys found the night before. For those general areas you found while lost, should you want to return simply take a picture of a street sign. The larger ones on main streets show multiple street names and the driver will know exactly where it is.
The key to enjoying your explorations will be a well-provisioned backpack. In August there are only two types of weather; hot as hell with no breeze or raining like crazy, and you can never be sure which one it is going to be from hour to hour. A towel and a small umbrella can be handy in either case.
As you’re walking along, fascinated by the sights, do not (DO NOT) buy food from a street vendor. I’ll be the first to admit that some of it is delicious, but there is some risk involved. I keep doing it but, as a result, I tend to spend a lot of time at home, reading a book in the comfort of my bathroom.
Should this problem strike you, or even if you’re perfectly healthy, at some point you will need to avail yourself of public facilities. You’re in luck - Beijing has more of them than anywhere in the world, ranging from large, permanent buildings to small, portable units that are ½ convenience store and ½ bathroom. What they all have in common, though, is a complete lack of toilet paper. That’s what those little travel packs of tissue are for. Make sure to stick a few in your bag ahead of time. They are like most things in life: you see them everywhere, right up until the moment you really need them. Having to yell out “A little help here!” is always embarrassing, but here it would be pointless as well.
Unless you are on a severe diet, you are going to want to eat, and this is a great city to do it in. As a public service, I provide you with the following two characters: 成都, which is the name of Chengdu, a city in Sichuan province. It sometimes seems that half of the restaurants in town have these characters on their sign. It’s kind of them to warn us. They mean that the fare served within will scorch your insides, from entrance to exit. It’s also entirely possible to find yourself munching on curdled duck’s blood and deep-fried bees. Don’t pretend you weren’t warned.
So you’ve found yourself a nice, little, non-Chengdu restaurant and you’re ready to pig out. Wait just a minute. Before you sit down, pull out your phrasebook and show the word for menu to the hostess. You need to verify that there are pictures on it. Relying on them is still a risky proposition: everything is cut up into very small pieces, so visual identification is a crapshoot at best, but it’s your best bet. Saying Kung Pao Chicken will get you nothing but a stare, so don’t even try to use your vast knowledge of restaurant Chinese; it’s not the same.
Now for my best piece of advice, aside from the toilet tissues. Reach into your backpack and pull out that little baggie containing your fork. Doesn’t sound very adventurous, does it? Feel free to use the chopsticks then. It’s just that there are certain foods which are practically impossible to eat with them. However, should you feel obliged to prove your skills, be sure to also pull out that bib you were smart enough to pack. If you really want to use chopsticks, I’d suggest that you bring your own. Every place provides them, but many types are very awkward to use. Plastic and even metal ones can provide many moments of hilarity, as their smooth texture prevents you from getting a single scrap of food anywhere near your mouth.
When ordering, remember that you are getting what’s in the picture, or at least a close facsimile. You’ll notice that there is no rice in the picture. It might seem strange to us but, yes, you do need to order the rice separately; one order per person, as it comes in small, personal-sized bowls.
I almost forgot! If you’re allergic to peanuts, sell your tickets and stay home. Everything you can possibly imagine is made using peanut oil at some point. It’s just not possible to avoid, and forget about asking. Any type of substitution request will cause the chef to do his imitation of computer overload, complete with smoke coming out his ears. Once he snaps out of it, he will prepare the dish exactly the way he’s done it a thousand times before. If it is supposed to have onions, it’s going to have onions, regardless of any silly ideas you may have.
Should you find yourself wanting to try the local breakfast offerings, and I suggest you do, just keep in mind that many places will not have beverages available. Even if you see a cooler full of drinks, they may be off-limits. This is because many breakfast operations are independent of the restaurant itself. The people simply rent the room and tables for the morning. The drinks belong to the restaurant and can not be touched. They may even be under lock and key. Just remember to bring your own.
Next week: yet a few more things to avoid.
There is no shortage of guidebooks promising to make your trip to China safer and more enjoyable. Forget them. You’re coming to Beijing and you don’t need a $30 book that tells you all about everywhere else. The best combination of reference sources is a small Mandarin phrase book and, for those of you who want to explore the city, The Insider’s Guide to Beijing, available locally.
Phrase books like to show the Pinyin phrases. That is the phrase written in the western alphabet. Forget about it! Many letters are not pronounced the same and, unless you’ve spent months working on your tonal pronunciations, no one is going to understand you anyway. Make sure your phrase book has the Chinese characters for each phrase so you can show it to the person . Trust me on this. It’s easier to simply admit that you can’t speak Mandarin than to try and mangle your way through it. Otherwise you’re likely to tell someone that you’d like to kiss them when all you wanted to do was ask a question.
Now you’re out and about, exploring Beijing and probably lost. That’s when you find the coolest places, but that’s beside the point. You should have gotten a business card from the front counter of your hotel so you could show it to the taxi driver. At least then you’d know that you could get back eventually. As a matter of fact, get a business card everywhere you go. Just don’t forget to write down what place the card is from, otherwise they all start to look the same. You probably don’t want to take the wife out to dinner and end up at that massage parlor you and the guys found the night before. For those general areas you found while lost, should you want to return simply take a picture of a street sign. The larger ones on main streets show multiple street names and the driver will know exactly where it is.
The key to enjoying your explorations will be a well-provisioned backpack. In August there are only two types of weather; hot as hell with no breeze or raining like crazy, and you can never be sure which one it is going to be from hour to hour. A towel and a small umbrella can be handy in either case.
As you’re walking along, fascinated by the sights, do not (DO NOT) buy food from a street vendor. I’ll be the first to admit that some of it is delicious, but there is some risk involved. I keep doing it but, as a result, I tend to spend a lot of time at home, reading a book in the comfort of my bathroom.
Should this problem strike you, or even if you’re perfectly healthy, at some point you will need to avail yourself of public facilities. You’re in luck - Beijing has more of them than anywhere in the world, ranging from large, permanent buildings to small, portable units that are ½ convenience store and ½ bathroom. What they all have in common, though, is a complete lack of toilet paper. That’s what those little travel packs of tissue are for. Make sure to stick a few in your bag ahead of time. They are like most things in life: you see them everywhere, right up until the moment you really need them. Having to yell out “A little help here!” is always embarrassing, but here it would be pointless as well.
Unless you are on a severe diet, you are going to want to eat, and this is a great city to do it in. As a public service, I provide you with the following two characters: 成都, which is the name of Chengdu, a city in Sichuan province. It sometimes seems that half of the restaurants in town have these characters on their sign. It’s kind of them to warn us. They mean that the fare served within will scorch your insides, from entrance to exit. It’s also entirely possible to find yourself munching on curdled duck’s blood and deep-fried bees. Don’t pretend you weren’t warned.
So you’ve found yourself a nice, little, non-Chengdu restaurant and you’re ready to pig out. Wait just a minute. Before you sit down, pull out your phrasebook and show the word for menu to the hostess. You need to verify that there are pictures on it. Relying on them is still a risky proposition: everything is cut up into very small pieces, so visual identification is a crapshoot at best, but it’s your best bet. Saying Kung Pao Chicken will get you nothing but a stare, so don’t even try to use your vast knowledge of restaurant Chinese; it’s not the same.
Now for my best piece of advice, aside from the toilet tissues. Reach into your backpack and pull out that little baggie containing your fork. Doesn’t sound very adventurous, does it? Feel free to use the chopsticks then. It’s just that there are certain foods which are practically impossible to eat with them. However, should you feel obliged to prove your skills, be sure to also pull out that bib you were smart enough to pack. If you really want to use chopsticks, I’d suggest that you bring your own. Every place provides them, but many types are very awkward to use. Plastic and even metal ones can provide many moments of hilarity, as their smooth texture prevents you from getting a single scrap of food anywhere near your mouth.
When ordering, remember that you are getting what’s in the picture, or at least a close facsimile. You’ll notice that there is no rice in the picture. It might seem strange to us but, yes, you do need to order the rice separately; one order per person, as it comes in small, personal-sized bowls.
I almost forgot! If you’re allergic to peanuts, sell your tickets and stay home. Everything you can possibly imagine is made using peanut oil at some point. It’s just not possible to avoid, and forget about asking. Any type of substitution request will cause the chef to do his imitation of computer overload, complete with smoke coming out his ears. Once he snaps out of it, he will prepare the dish exactly the way he’s done it a thousand times before. If it is supposed to have onions, it’s going to have onions, regardless of any silly ideas you may have.
Should you find yourself wanting to try the local breakfast offerings, and I suggest you do, just keep in mind that many places will not have beverages available. Even if you see a cooler full of drinks, they may be off-limits. This is because many breakfast operations are independent of the restaurant itself. The people simply rent the room and tables for the morning. The drinks belong to the restaurant and can not be touched. They may even be under lock and key. Just remember to bring your own.
Next week: yet a few more things to avoid.
