One Of Life's Big Questions, Answered
I never gave much thought to dying before I moved to China. It’s not that I’m obsessed with the subject now either; it’s just that the increased number of opportunities for death do make one wonder on occasion. Last night it was an end-loader barreling down the wrong side of the street as I was stepping off the curb.
This morning I realized that, barring a similar but more unfortunate occurrence, I already know the cause of my death. Her name is LD (Little Dictator for you new-comers.) I’m still not sure of the specifics but, as far as I tell, either she will induce a massive coronary in one of her attempts to “help” me or I will snap and kill her first, resulting in a bullet to the back of the head in a field somewhere.
The other day was a close-run thing with the coronary option. As I sat, cramming Chinese characters and grammar into my aching skull, preparing for that morning’s final exam, LD decided that it was critical for us to review the terms of my apartment lease. That’s a tough transition to make and I sat there stunned for a while. When I finally shook my head and got the gears unstuck she had been going on for some time. This demanded firm and definitive action. “Honey, can we do this another time?” I won’t tell you her response. Come to think of it, you wouldn’t understand it anyway. Let’s just say that aspersions were cast upon every aspect of my life before she stomped off.
The week before, LD had decided to clean my desk, considering my numerous requests not to as slovenliness. One of the results was that thousands of business-card sized, vocabulary flash cards that had been neatly sorted by class and chapter ended up in a shoe box, in no particular order. I was still defending my life with witty comebacks I should have used that morning, when I sat down for the final exam in my Comprehensive Chinese course and discovered that I had not found all of the cards after all. I couldn’t read half of the first section.
A grueling two hours later I emerged from the exam with homicidal thoughts foremost in my mind and, before I even had a chance to cool down, it started pouring rain. It didn’t help the mood, but I’m used to it and always prepared. Almost always. Sometime in the previous 24 hours, LD had decided that the proper place for my umbrella was in the closet, not in my backpack. When I finally sat down to meditate, one look was all it took to wipe the smile off the bartender’s face. He let me drink and drip in peace. Wise man.
My meditation technique worked once more and LD was saved by the fact that several hours seeking inner peace resulted in me being asleep before she got home.
Dim Sum
The government has been using their neighborhood grannies (officially licensed nosy neighbors) to distribute handbooks listing the various activities that will be frowned upon during the Olympics. These range from no dumping of garbage in the gutter to no skate-boarding in the streets. The fines for some activities show an interesting set of priorities. I really do like living here, so I’ll refrain from further comment.
Attacking athletes, referees or any staff member -- 500RMB maximum;
Throwing things into the stadium -- 500RMB maximum;
Sticking up posters in public places or giving out flyers without permission -- 10,000RMB maximum;
Organizing people to stick up posters or give out flyers -- 500,000RMB maximum.
????
Possible topics for the next blog include "You Might Be A Laowai If..", "The 'Bad China Day'" and "LD - Disciple of the Devil?" I'm torn, so if you have a preference, please let me know.
This morning I realized that, barring a similar but more unfortunate occurrence, I already know the cause of my death. Her name is LD (Little Dictator for you new-comers.) I’m still not sure of the specifics but, as far as I tell, either she will induce a massive coronary in one of her attempts to “help” me or I will snap and kill her first, resulting in a bullet to the back of the head in a field somewhere.
The other day was a close-run thing with the coronary option. As I sat, cramming Chinese characters and grammar into my aching skull, preparing for that morning’s final exam, LD decided that it was critical for us to review the terms of my apartment lease. That’s a tough transition to make and I sat there stunned for a while. When I finally shook my head and got the gears unstuck she had been going on for some time. This demanded firm and definitive action. “Honey, can we do this another time?” I won’t tell you her response. Come to think of it, you wouldn’t understand it anyway. Let’s just say that aspersions were cast upon every aspect of my life before she stomped off.
The week before, LD had decided to clean my desk, considering my numerous requests not to as slovenliness. One of the results was that thousands of business-card sized, vocabulary flash cards that had been neatly sorted by class and chapter ended up in a shoe box, in no particular order. I was still defending my life with witty comebacks I should have used that morning, when I sat down for the final exam in my Comprehensive Chinese course and discovered that I had not found all of the cards after all. I couldn’t read half of the first section.
A grueling two hours later I emerged from the exam with homicidal thoughts foremost in my mind and, before I even had a chance to cool down, it started pouring rain. It didn’t help the mood, but I’m used to it and always prepared. Almost always. Sometime in the previous 24 hours, LD had decided that the proper place for my umbrella was in the closet, not in my backpack. When I finally sat down to meditate, one look was all it took to wipe the smile off the bartender’s face. He let me drink and drip in peace. Wise man.
My meditation technique worked once more and LD was saved by the fact that several hours seeking inner peace resulted in me being asleep before she got home.
Dim Sum
The government has been using their neighborhood grannies (officially licensed nosy neighbors) to distribute handbooks listing the various activities that will be frowned upon during the Olympics. These range from no dumping of garbage in the gutter to no skate-boarding in the streets. The fines for some activities show an interesting set of priorities. I really do like living here, so I’ll refrain from further comment.
Attacking athletes, referees or any staff member -- 500RMB maximum;
Throwing things into the stadium -- 500RMB maximum;
Sticking up posters in public places or giving out flyers without permission -- 10,000RMB maximum;
Organizing people to stick up posters or give out flyers -- 500,000RMB maximum.
????
Possible topics for the next blog include "You Might Be A Laowai If..", "The 'Bad China Day'" and "LD - Disciple of the Devil?" I'm torn, so if you have a preference, please let me know.
