You Too Might Be A Laowai
I've previously tried to explain the concept of laowainess, but the longer I live in China, the worser my English gets. Just in case you're still unclear and, for some strange reason, a little curious, feel free to take the following test.
(With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)
If you look before crossing the street, you might be a laowai.
If you carry tissue for any purpose other than to use as toilet paper…
If you look for the back of the line…
If you think there should be a line…
If you wave at a waitress instead of yelling at the top of your lungs…
If you don’t interrogate the waitress for fifteen minutes before ordering…
If you have ever thanked a waitress…
If you spit inedible items into a napkin instead of onto the table…
If you blow your nose in public…
If you hold the door for a stranger…
If you hold the elevator for someone…
If you don’t insist on controlling the elevator buttons…
If you wait for the elevator door to close on it’s own, without mashing the "close door" button…
If you think that mashing the "open door" button three floors ahead of time will make it open faster...
If you wait for people to get off the elevator before trying to get on…
If you wait for people to get off the subway car before trying to get on...
If you let an old lady sit on the subway when you could have beaten her to it…
If you pick up after your dog…
If your small child does not wear split-bottom pants…
If you don’t think large hunks of fat are just another type of meat…
If you drink anything but soup at breakfast…
If you don’t think Growing Pains is the greatest television show ever…
If you’ve ever tried to get a tan…
If you like cheese that’s not on a pizza…
If you balk at corn on your pizza…
If you think footprints on your toilet seat are strange…
If you think your eggs and your bacon should arrive at the same time…
If you order eggs and bacon…
If you step in a puddle…
If you think a contract is binding…
If you’ve ever had a job without a contract…
If you’re over 30 and never been married…
If you’re a man and have ever done laundry or washed dishes…
If you’ve never taken your pet bird out for a walk…
If you’ve ever neglected to make a “V” sign while being photographed…
If you’ve ever taken a photograph without you or your friends in it…
If you think Karaoke places are for singing…
If you don’t believe foot massage to be an effective treatment for either an earache nor kidney stones…
If you believe that pastry should have sugar in it…
If you insist on either cold water or cold beer…
If you’ve never used a shower head to fill a bucket from which to wash yourself…
If you think fine dining is a nice, quiet restaurant…
If you think a bicycle should give way to a bus…
If you think fireworks are for a one hour display, put on by someone else…
If you think 1 yuan ($.14 and rising) isn’t worth arguing over…
If you think software is something you pay for…
If you’ve never stored produce in the hallway…
If you've ever taken the plastic, protective wrapper off of something…
If you think Mickey Mouse is for kids…
If you think people should understand the meaning of a holiday they've just sent you a greeting for…
If you’ve ever had the same cell phone for over a year...
If you think white socks with a business suit is strange…
If you believe that some parts of an animal should not be eaten…
You Too Might Be A Laowai!
Now that that question has been addressed, I have one more for my more technologically advanced friends.
I recently registered the domain dumblaowai.com , in hopes of providing more content for your amusement. OK! Maybe for my future enrichment as well, if I can ever figure out why someone would want to give me money!
My problem is that I started out with a small, apparently techno-challenged host and the site has been giving me, as well as hundreds of others, fits for about a week. Any suggestions for finding a host suitable for a dumblaowai?
(With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)
If you look before crossing the street, you might be a laowai.
If you carry tissue for any purpose other than to use as toilet paper…
If you look for the back of the line…
If you think there should be a line…
If you wave at a waitress instead of yelling at the top of your lungs…
If you don’t interrogate the waitress for fifteen minutes before ordering…
If you have ever thanked a waitress…
If you spit inedible items into a napkin instead of onto the table…
If you blow your nose in public…
If you hold the door for a stranger…
If you hold the elevator for someone…
If you don’t insist on controlling the elevator buttons…
If you wait for the elevator door to close on it’s own, without mashing the "close door" button…
If you think that mashing the "open door" button three floors ahead of time will make it open faster...
If you wait for people to get off the elevator before trying to get on…
If you wait for people to get off the subway car before trying to get on...
If you let an old lady sit on the subway when you could have beaten her to it…
If you pick up after your dog…
If your small child does not wear split-bottom pants…
If you don’t think large hunks of fat are just another type of meat…
If you drink anything but soup at breakfast…
If you don’t think Growing Pains is the greatest television show ever…
If you’ve ever tried to get a tan…
If you like cheese that’s not on a pizza…
If you balk at corn on your pizza…
If you think footprints on your toilet seat are strange…
If you think your eggs and your bacon should arrive at the same time…
If you order eggs and bacon…
If you step in a puddle…
If you think a contract is binding…
If you’ve ever had a job without a contract…
If you’re over 30 and never been married…
If you’re a man and have ever done laundry or washed dishes…
If you’ve never taken your pet bird out for a walk…
If you’ve ever neglected to make a “V” sign while being photographed…
If you’ve ever taken a photograph without you or your friends in it…
If you think Karaoke places are for singing…
If you don’t believe foot massage to be an effective treatment for either an earache nor kidney stones…
If you believe that pastry should have sugar in it…
If you insist on either cold water or cold beer…
If you’ve never used a shower head to fill a bucket from which to wash yourself…
If you think fine dining is a nice, quiet restaurant…
If you think a bicycle should give way to a bus…
If you think fireworks are for a one hour display, put on by someone else…
If you think 1 yuan ($.14 and rising) isn’t worth arguing over…
If you think software is something you pay for…
If you’ve never stored produce in the hallway…
If you've ever taken the plastic, protective wrapper off of something…
If you think Mickey Mouse is for kids…
If you think people should understand the meaning of a holiday they've just sent you a greeting for…
If you’ve ever had the same cell phone for over a year...
If you think white socks with a business suit is strange…
If you believe that some parts of an animal should not be eaten…
You Too Might Be A Laowai!
Now that that question has been addressed, I have one more for my more technologically advanced friends.
I recently registered the domain dumblaowai.com , in hopes of providing more content for your amusement. OK! Maybe for my future enrichment as well, if I can ever figure out why someone would want to give me money!
My problem is that I started out with a small, apparently techno-challenged host and the site has been giving me, as well as hundreds of others, fits for about a week. Any suggestions for finding a host suitable for a dumblaowai?
Nice blog post by the way... (Comment this)